Photographs of Changes

Click on any photograph to see it enlarged.

Me, 41 years apart. Not the same spot but close.  Leaving that house today was the most difficult, heartbreaking thing I have ever done after losing mom & dad. Sobbed so much, I wore myself out. But I know this is normal. This closing stirred everything up, as did hearing from High School friends for the first time after 37 years.  Got a note I was being mentioned so finally joined FB with real name.

So many of those friends came to this house or hung out with me here, or the neighborhood but live across the country now.. Will take a long, long time to get over losing my mom and childhood home. I had a bigger attachment than any other family which makes it difficult to carry. Nobody else really cares the house is gone.  Very robotic responses and I hear from nobody.

 I've no husband, no kids, no job, no relatives outside of siblings & their kids,   busy with their own lives. Heartbreaking and missing mom more than ever. Having nobody to share the intensity of the loss makes me feel like an orphan.

It might have been a small house but had a great yard and mom and dad did the best they could to raise us. They were great people.

Goodbye forever, to my parents house and childhood home since 1961.

Teaching a cat to sit up Part 1

Ok, i've never taught a cat tricks before but Stewart seems food motivated.  He sat up a couple times before I grabbed the camera (of course!) so I tried to capture it. Thus, my repeating the word 'sit-up' so much so he knows what it means.  The goal is to have him let go and sit up for more than a couple seconds without losing his balance.  Notice for now, he seems unsure what to do with his paws after letting go of the spoon (tiny bit of canned cat food on it)

So if I can get him to sit up with paws relaxed, while waiting for a snack, I shall endeavor to film it. Cats have a way, though, of seeing the camera in my hand and completely changing their focus.  So cat lovers, stay tuned.

Green Juicing

I've been playing around with green juicing. Why? Because you can get more dense nutrients in one glass than five salads.  And the process of breaking down the veggies makes you absorb more than if you were chewing! But rather than invest in a juicer the size of a wingback chair (Kidding, but most do take up a lot of real estate on the counter and are a mess to clean) i use a Vitamixer and usually make juice by straining the smoothie through a nut milk bag (easy to find online, here is one example  http://www.amazon.com/Nut-Milk-Bag-New-Improved/dp/B00158U8DU )

I turn the nut bag inside out so the seam is easier to clean. Some people use a regular blender for this stuff so in that case, cut up all your veggies into smaller pieces like in the video.  Please note, many smoothie/juice recipes have way too much fruit in them and can mess with your blood sugar. I keep mine mainly all greens and maybe throw in a banana to make it smell more fruity and less like strong chlorophyll.

My recipe is not an exact science but I usually use half a head of romaine lettuce, a couple or three cups of packed spinach,  a few carrots (cut up) and a banana.  Some people throw in cilantro or parsley.  If you use carrots for smoothies, you have to make sure you get the mixture super fine or it can be difficult to digest, thus I strain my 'smoothies' in a nut bag or cheese cloth might work but would be messy.

Oh, I also sometimes add a teaspoon or so of Chia gel which is made by mixing 1 spoonful of chia seeds, to 5 spoonfuls or water. Let sit 10 minutes, let stir & sit another 5 minutes.  The chia seed swells and absorbs the liquid.  Plain chia seeds have a gritty texture like sand that I'm not fond of. Here is a link for info on Chia seeds.
http://www.purehealingfoods.com/chiaInfo.php

True you don't get the fiber in juices but I get my fiber in other places.

I've done smoothies and I've done juicing but due to some chronic health issues, am sticking with juicing for now to give my body a break.  Takes less energy to digest juice but you get a lot of nutrients.

You must store left over juice in a small jar and fill COMPLETELY level with the jar so when you put the lid on tightly, the juice touches the lid.  Always fill and open jars over the sink to prevent a mess on the countery.  This seal of not allowing air in helps to keep the juice from oxidizing and losing it's nutritional value. I use small 8 oz mason jars. Juice should be drunk immediately or within 24 hrs or 48 hours, max!

Raw food sites have some tips on smoothies and how to make them not so foamy.  Though the example here on youtube is too sweet for me, it is a good recipe to show beginners.  Like I said, this recipe is for a smoothie but can easily be strained.  I tie the nutmilk bag on a cupboard door and let it drip for 15-30 minutes in to a large mixing bowl, and then gently press the remaining juice out.  There will be lots of pulp left and do not put this down your drain.  I throw it out in the compost pile or you can put in the garbage (or add to some plants if you have any around your home.)

This link is from the RawFoodFamily site that has some great info.


Once you've added all the ingredients, let it blend 3 or 4 minutes  in a blender. My sister has lent me a powerful Vitamix so I only spin mine about 2 minutes. But you don't want your blender to get warm so add just a few items at a time if it's crowded.

Even if you change nothing else in your diet, this is an easy quick way to get  vital, dense nutrients for low calories.

One word about Spinach, it has oxalic acid in it which is not good to over use, especially raw, so always rotate your greens!  Some people use a few kale leaves but that's a little strong for my system at the moment, but tastes good when added to my ingredients above.  I've also used a small piece of fresh beet for color.

Just read about online for raw foods/juicing and play around with fresh greens.  This is my sister's recipe that she uses in her huge juicer but you can easily cut it in half and make in Vitamix/a strong blender the strain in a nut bag.

I also strongly recommend a food scale for figuring some weights.

Green Juice

2 lbs carrots

6 ounces of  greens (Spinach, Kale, Romaine lettuce example)

1 beet

2 stalks celery

one apple

1/3 to 1/2 English Cucumber because you can use the skins or peel regular cukes first

1/4 bunch parsley if you like it (good for liver)

and or

1/4 - 1/3 bunch cilantro if you really love cilantro

This recipe is pretty forgiving so use your own food choices.
By the way, if you want to do smoothies (which should be easily drinkable ) add a cup or two (or MORE) of water before mixing. When straining for juice, I only use 1 cup cup of water or so. Depends on how big the batch. I make smaller one's than this. I also have made straight carrot juice which is delicious. But I eat some raw nuts with it as carrot juice is high in natural sugar & can mess with blood sugar. Stick with mostly GREENS to start with. Less calories too.

I also suggest peaking around Dr. Joel Furhman's site for juicing and healthy eating in general. He has some youtube videos on juicing but I can't them find at the moment.
http://www.drfuhrman.com/library/recipes.aspx

**Photo at top is free online stock photo. My photos did not turn out that well. Next time!

Easy Vegan Gluten Free Sugar Free Carob Candy

Ingredients you will need to mix in a small food processor.

• Easy Vegan Gluten Free Candy
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• 3/4 cup Almonds, walnuts, pecans or cashews (I use Almonds as walnuts 
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• make for a softer candy) Or you can use a mixture of nuts)
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• 1/4 cup carob powder (If not a carob fan, substitute cocoa)
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• 3/4 to 1 cup Medjool dates*
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• **Also add maybe 1 tablespoon of Maple syrup**
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• I've been on a health kick lately, making green juice with a Vitamix and strainer.  Trying to avoid baked goods.I also sprinkle some salt over this before mixing but it has plenty of flavor without the salt.
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• *I use less dates if I don't have many in the house, but sometimes add 1 Tablespoon of Maple Syrup...so this candy is not an exact science but got the idea from another recipe. It's quite good & can be rolled up into balls, and rolled into carob powder, UNsweetened coconut, or just by themselves.
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• Cut up dates into three or four pieces, after removing the pits.
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• Put ingredients into a food processor and mix until mixture feels sticky enough to roll into balls. ..maybe 2 or 3 minutes.
• For variety, I sometimes add 2-3 Tablespoons of home made peanut butter (Or Whole Foods Make- Your- Own- peanut butter is the best!! $3.30 a lb)
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• This is a small batch & needs a smaller sized food processor. To use a standard Cuisinart size, double the recipe so it mixes well. You don't want a processor too crowded or such a small amount, it doesn't mix properly.
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• Store in fridge in air tight container. You can even freeze them and they are able to be eaten within a couple minutes after removing. The nuts help keep them softer even frozen.

Enjoy!

*Pictures from stock photos online until I make my next batch.

Cats in the Kitchen

Recently bought a new point & shoot Olympus camera that fits in pocket or in my purse easily. Has video player, too.

We are easily entertained on cold days. I have on four layers and my arm showing up in the scene looks the size of a football player's. Cats get cozy in the kitchen before I prepare salmon patties. My two cats and C's to cats. Mine is gray & white, Stewart & big boy on the right Oscar. Black cat is Speedy & smaller B&W Queen of the house, the aloof Smudge.

R.I.P. Mom

On November 29th my 91 year old mom died in a wonderful Hospice facility. She'd been sick up and down for 24 months but never saw a doctor. She was gentle, funny at times, generous, difficult,  sweet, kind, strong-willed, stubborn & exhausting! But in the last several months of her life, as she got depressed at the lack of ability to recover her stamina, I knew she was on her way out. The mood swings got worse,but then she'd be sweet again. Except for one period, where I went a very long four days without speaking to her (when she had a non medical companion care service a few times a week) I'd spoken with her either daily or several times a week, often a few times a day. Granted, in the last six months the calls were worrisome and depressing as she sounded weak, depressed, angry or sweet/or all of the above, but just so weary. The last time I saw her at home, I'd not seen her in 3 weeks and she'd fired the Meals on Wheels & companion service. I was stunned at what I saw as I walked into her bedroom. Lying there, a mere shell of herself a year ago, in what we now know was severe pain, & agony, she struggled to find a position that would get her comfortable. (She'd also fallen a few weeks ago and broken her tailbone, too, by the way, and had a bump to prove it) As the visit went on and I turned on some lights on that cloudy day, I noticed she was jaundiced . She was very weak, but did not want me to spend the night. I was there several hours to make sure she could get up to go to the bathroom. She'd lost 35+ lbs by this time and could eat only a couple bites of food a day. Nothing sounded good. I lay back on the bed in a new addition we'd had built on for me to live in permanently, but that never worked out … a complicated story to explain....but that's old news now. Worry raced through my head as my mom was still refusing medical care (and you can not legally make somebody see a doctor thanks to the HIPAA laws) She was no dummy. Her urine had been discolored for weeks, she had shared with me at different times. She'd worked in a hospital 20 years, was friends with doctors at the time, as she was a rare person they could confide in when they needed to blow off steam. My late brother-in-law had been a doctor/surgeon. She read medical books. She knew she was dying.

When I made sure she had fresh water at her bed stand for the evening, I'd rubbed lotion on her dry legs (something I'd never done before) and was horrified at how yellow her legs and age spots were, but said nothing. My mom said rubbing on the lotion felt wonderful. I kept a poker face and said I was glad to do it, but still said nothing about the jaundice. She knew and now, I knew. I was able to say something to strike her funny bone and make her giggle a long time. She thanked me at the time saying " I really needed to laugh." I wanted so much to thank her for so many things....but did not address it then. She kept trying to change positions on her bed to relieve nausea but I know now it was about the pain as well. She'd complain of nausea and pain in her side ...but we had no idea the severity of the secret she was keeping from us. My sister was going to mom's early the next morning. That night, I composed an email to my sister, saying "how about we approach mom about going to a hospital, in another city, since the one close to her house had not been nice to her or us, six years ago. Tell mom we just want to get her hydrated via IV fluids." I then changed my mind deleted the email, and went to bed. Imagine my surprise when my sister called from mom's the next morning, at 9:50AM to say mom was on her way to the hospital, that I'd mentioned in my 'never sent' email. Mom told my sister and the hospital, she just wanted to get strong enough to see her son from Seattle who was coming in on a planned visit the next week. To live to give him and my other brother one more hug. The hospital was kind and within hours, Hospice was mentioned. My mom refused a CT scan that day but relented the next day. In order to get in to Hospice, they had to have a diagnosis. After a bag of IV fluids, my mom seemed like a new person. Clear, chipper, happy to be there & her old self. She did not want to know the results of the CT but already knew she was dying. They saw a huge mass in her abdomen and suspected pancreatic cancer due to the jaundice, weight loss & pain. She was given anti-nausea meds and something to help her sleep. At that time, I thought she could last another few months. When told she was going to a Hospice facility near her home she said “I don't want to go back home. My house has served me well but I don't want to go back there.”

Three days later she went into a Hospice center where her four children (myself and three siblings) stayed with her around the clock or my nephew spent the night with her. Another out of state nephew, his wife & grand daughter saw my mom...Mom saw great-grandbaby Abigail for the first and last time.

Mom faded quickly after that visit and Hospice doesn't do IVs. With severe kidney & liver malfunction, IVs just prolong the inevitable, anyway. Her liver enzymes were through the roof. And the pain would only worsen the longer she was here. Mom finally got the much needed pain meds she'd needed. As they upped the dose, she drifted into a permanent sleep pattern and slowly faded from us. If we noticed a noise or furrowed brow from my mom, they doubled the morphine as needed. It was heartbreaking to witness. She did not address us directly to speak of her dying. We'd all told her as she lay groggy, it was OK for her “to leave and we'd be OK.”...though to be honest, I wasn't sure I would be! (That is important to tell a dying loved one that it's ok to go, something many people are not aware of, by the way)

I helped swab out her dry mouth and constantly applied Chapstick as she lay there sleeping. We took turns doing this. Later we counted her respirations....down to three or four an hour.

Finally after nine days of this, I needed a break. I had to stay home and not see her. I was the baby of the family and worried she might want to die privately (as many loved ones do want to do, and even a wise nurse reminded us of this) So rather than spend the night, we also left her alone that night. And she went at 1:45AM on 11/29/11 This was something I thought I'd never share on a blog. But then again, how could I not? At age 55, I now feel 5 years old and am not ashamed to say it but I am lost without my mom. I have no children, no husband, and due to ongoing medical challenges of my own, no job nor real social life to speak of. Thus, I am alone to miss her and think of her constantly.

Yes, there are grief support groups. Yes, I know she is no longer suffering. I am grateful to that of course. But nothing helps me to hear her voice again. To make her laugh one more time. She had a great laugh and a good sense of humor, even amidst her suffering. And I'd long ago forgiven her for all the hateful things she'd said to me and my sister, as I realized it was not about me/us. But it was about her being scared...and only later did we realize, truly, what severe agony and pain she'd endured. I only had love and compassion for my mom.

She was born and raised from the Depression Era farm families where they did not raise sissies. Yes, she was stubborn as hell, but it was also her strength. I wish she'd asked for help sooner to relieve her horrid symptoms, but like the old Frank Sinatra song, she had chosen to do it her way aka"My Way." Edit: Mom was a major Dean Martin fan, not Frank!

Sadly the next heartbreak to happen within a few days, has been sifting through mom's personal items & entire house. Due to financial situations, it's important to get the house on the market & sold ASAP. Her house had been my childhood home since 1961. Many memories there. And now it seemed, my entire childhood and mom's life, was being packed into boxes and carried out. Like the old John Prine song about "Souvenirs" memories can't be boughten...nor can you get one at carnivals for free.

Yet, somehow my memories/souvenirs were being slipped away, torn away... carried out in boxes and bags. A few things to myself & siblings, many will go to strangers. It's kind of like seeing your childhood erased a little at a time but not really. Difficult for me to put into words. But that is still a difficult process on it's own. I seem to be taking this part the worst but I lived there longer than any of my siblings, too. And maybe I really am still a baby. . . Also, I don't think this blog post has even scratched the surface of doing my mom any justice. Maybe it's just me writing some bit of the grief away.

I've had dozens of urges to call her about something I've seen or heard...or the first snowbird I've seen this winter (Junco) I do still sometimes call her house to hear her voice say four words on her answering machine. That might sound pitiful but it's true. She says "Please leave a message." My message is, I love you mom and you taught me a lot about life. To be kind, polite, thoughtful...to make ends meet when there isn't enough money. To laugh and appreciate little things and big things....cooking, birds, flowers, golf, nature, and nice gestures. To show unconditional love. To stand up for yourself. You taught me everything, mom, except HOW to live without you, though I'll figure it out eventually. Sure, some might say, I was lucky to have you for 55 years, but as one astute sympathy card sent to me read "No matter how long someone is in our life, it's never long enough." So true. So very true. I shall miss you forever. Especially your unconditional love & emotional support...And of course your laugh which was a true gift to my ears. The silence of your voice is deafening.

R.I.P. Mom

Love, Me

Fall Photographs Pyramid Hill Sculpture Park

If you've not made the drive to the famous Pyramid Hill Sculpture Park and Outdoor Museum, I urge you to do so. True, this time of year part of the park is now being decorated for the Christmas light display, which is a major fundraiser to the park, but back area of park is untouched.

I've been a member for 10 years, seen the inside of the house on tour on two occasions. It's the only park of it's type and Butler County is lucky to have this beautiful 275 acres. It's right on the edge of Hamilton, Ohio in St. Clair township, about 5 minutes north of Ross. It's located on 128.

These are some of my photos from yesterday. The new Romeo & Juliet is odd but beautiful, the Abracadabra is still my fave (three story red structure) and the Cincinnati Story is interesting and I could take 20 photos of it and it's sprawling parts. The landscape this time of year is great with huge groups of ornamental grasses which are divine.

Sarcophagus photo taken during tour, as were the other inside the house pics.

Photo above this one from 350 B.C and this one from 3 rd Century A.D.

View from inside Pyramid home looking at sky.

Entrance into the home. House is on slope so there are walk out areas in front & back, though most of the roof is grass.

Summer Suburban Non-Sequiturs

I shall miss the faces & colors of summer. The little hummingbirds will be leaving soon, though the Chickadee loves to hog the water in the tiny well in middle of hummer feeder. I wish flowers stayed year round.






P.S. When I click on any photo to enlarge it, it makes a slideshow..and I've no idea why this font is blue with a line. It's not a link. Blogger mystery.